The fifth day in the month Abib
My Lord, how do I possibly express all my thoughts and heart’s cry to You? English limits me in an indescribable way or perhaps could I write this in tongues? I understand that You omniscient; that You all-knowing yet, I feel that I have a lot to say to You. Actually, I know I have left a great deal of words unspoken. So I’m here again, pouring out my heart to You as she bleeds profusely. I come because I find that I need You more than ever. I find that I yearn for You in my waking moments and in my moments of slumber. I need You, constantly and gently whispering all of Your beautiful promises to me. I realize I need You a little too much!
I am a very needy child. Sometimes it baffles me if you made me this way or the world shaped me into who I’ve become. O how I wonder! I discover that sometimes I wander away from the shadow of Your wings searching for worldly things to please my soul. I realize that often times, I keep turning away from Your grace and fall right back on my face in surrender after wandering the earth’s surface for a duplicate of Your love. I experience that it gets really hard to believe in the face of doubt and despair and this is exactly why I draw nigh to Thee again.
I long to please You, but I constantly find myself falling short. Not so long ago, I read of the patriarchs of faith in Your 66, how men and women imperfect just like me, yet pleased You. I discovered how Abel pleased you by offering a more excellent sacrifice than his brother. You said of how Enoch had a relationship with You so awe-inspiring and You took Him to be with You because he pleased You exceedingly. Abraham also, full of faith, journeyed to a place he knewest not at Thy command and readily gave up his son without second thought. Sarah, a woman of such great hope, received strength from You to conceive what You promised because she judged You faithful. I read it and much more! It amazes me how these men and women touched your heart despite their mortality. It strikes me how they conquered kingdoms, obtained promises and were made strong outta weakness; how they could possibly be stoned, afflicted, tortured, tormented and did not even accept possible deliverance because they knew their lives were not worth living but for You. I bet they knew something I know not. They probably encountered You in all your splendour and power and must have concluded that it is no one else if it is not You.
So Abba, extremely needy, I fall at Thy feet again with all my desires and heartaches because I have come to a realisation that I can go nowhere and be entirely satisfied but in Your bosom. I now know that in You, I find all I need. In You, I have all I need. In You, I’m oblivious of my mortality. In You, I find rest for my Soul. Teach me to be lowly in heart and meek. Teach me to go the extra mile just for You. Teach me to count my life as nothing just so all may know that indeed You are God. Teach me to offer my most prized possession. Teach me to freely offer my ‘only begotten son’. Teach me Daddy, I pray Thee, teach me!
I want to obtain a good report. I want to carry Your name to the ends of the earth. In the end, I want to enter the gates of life eternal and behold Thy face and hear You say well done! I want to be Your bond servant. I want to trust wholly. I want to be Your son. I want to be Your lover and most of all, Your friend. This is my heart cry. I’m desperate and I want it all!
Miss Proverbs 31