‘I love you’ were the words I loved to hear leave you lips. True or not, they made me feel good. I felt accepted, loved, until you left. I felt loved by you, by God, by whoever. I was willing to love. To lay down my life to display my love. At least, I felt that way. At least I thought, it will be my golden display of love. My emotions clung tightly to you.
So long a time, I felt betrayed by you. That you dared with each ‘I love you’ lie to me. I was mad. Worst of all, I was broken! Lethargic, apathetic. Call it what you may. Days on end, even when i knew God loved me, I felt unloved.
Just yesterday, after 12 months, I was back on my bed. That bed that for the most part of what I thought was, soaked my tears. That bed that on each, each night, i encountered God. That bed that each morning, hurriedly, I knelt beside it with teary eyes, trying so hard to express how much He means to me. I laid on it. Familiar feelings swept over me. It seemed to embrace me. It seemed to give me a ‘welcome back home’ hug. Most of all, I felt You. I felt You at 3am. I felt You again, the Lover of my soul.
Just yesterday, while working in the kitchen, worry crossed my path. My future was secure. Oh, I couldn’t be more sure about it. God had a plan. I was working in it. Yet I felt burdened. Burdened that I may end up with trouble beyond what I could handle. Trouble that I will eventually end up with someone I will manage with for a long long time. Trouble that may come with ‘I do’. You reminded me that I need not worry. Then, I had peace.
Just yesterday, I read an article. It blessed my heart. She wrote a lot of words and for the first time in a long time, it went right past my head into my heart. She said she waited 12 years for him. I’ve just waited
4 or is it 5, and I’m worried sick already. I understand that i was a worrier by nature. But worry ain’t me no more! I have His divine nature. Silly me! She wrote, and as I read each sentence, word after word, I felt whole again. I felt receptive again. Someone said, love is more than words, feelings or actions. He said, love is a spirit and some carry it. I couldn’t agree more. She must have communicated it to my heart. Bless God for her!
Well, in all, I wrote this thank you note for a whole lot of seeming minute blessings to some. For bringing me back home. For bringing me back to familiar grounds. For reassuring my heart over and over again. For not giving up on me. For a bed to lay on. For emotions which makes relationships meaningful. For friends that cry with me in my thunderstorms. For family that exude Your love. For Your kind heart. For your children that you use to bless lives. I’m glad beyond words.
Now the world knows that…
The lady with the smiley.
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