The pain I suffer is intense. I can’t really describe. It’s one of a kind. All I know is I feel pain and it constantly sucks the life out of me. I don’t want to be bitter. How do I go on like this? My soul is weary within me. My spirit grows faint by the moment. I don’t know if I’m suffering like sinful Israel and Judah or I’m suffering like job. It’s really hard to tell. I can’t really explain because I don’t seem to think straight anymore. Pain has struck me down to the ground. I don’t think I’m well enough to live another day. Self-absorbed thoughts are my companions. My eyes flow freely with tears, unhindered like a mighty torrential waterfall. Suicidal thoughts stroll past every other day. ‘Why can’t this life just end here and now’ are the words on my mind constantly. How can I possibly live life like this? Wouldn’t it have been better if I wasn’t born at all? O wretched soul of mine. Who will save me from my unending grief and sorrow? Who will save me from this soul of death? I’ve heard over and over again that there’s balm to heal in Gilead but where exactly is Gilead? If I knew, I’d be there by now. I’ve read constantly that Jesus came to take my sorrows away. Okay. so what is this pain I feel? I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed and. . . It just seems more torn than the last time. Has Abba abandoned me? Is He right beside me? Abba, please where are You? I need You more than ever right now. I look happy but that’s not the real me. I feel dark on the inside. I may appear strong on the outside but I’m just a pack of jellies on the inside. Ama and Okwuchi keep telling me I’m a strong woman but most times than not, all I see is weakness. I have my moments of ups and downs but my downs seem unending.
“Let him give his cheek to the one who strikes him, And be full of reproach. For the Lord will not cast off forever.”
Oh mine! I can so relate to that. I was struck so many times but without complain, I bore it all. I sat alone and bore it because I was too ashamed to state my grief to anyone. Why? *sigh* I’m consumed with reproach. I feel like reproach. Truth is, I don’t even want to complain. I just want to be ok. That’s all I ask— To be whole again. . .or is that too much to ask? “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I hope in Him!” I’m patiently waiting. Patiently hoping. Patiently praying. I’ll keep praying no matter how long it takes me. I’ll never stop because I know in there, I shall be whole again. It may tarry, but I’ll be whole again. Don’t ask me what’s wrong with me because I don’t even know. Yes! Its that Bad. I just came to rant on WordPress. LOL
So here’s my little sermon to you today. . .
If you ever at anytime in your life feel this way, know that,
The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, To the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly For the salvation of the Lord. Lam 3: 25, 26
He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds — Psalm 147:3
The Word of God can be trusted. We can put our confidence in Him (The Word). He can be depended on. This is my confidence. This is most certainly my assurance